The Roots of Rage and How Women Can Work With it Effectively

Angry Woman

Anger

Anger: deep, primal and volcanic, smoldering with wild flares of untamed fury. Do you know the feeling? It seems everyday we are hearing about road rage incidents, shootings, enraged Karens. The prevalence of these out of control incidences demands we have introspection of our own relationship to the fiery emotion as well as having cultural conversations on the subject.

When I began my own healing journey some time ago I remember committing to my very first healing session with my healer. Next morning, I sleepily slid down the stairs to start my day. Glancing for my flip flops I noticed my husband had moved them. A rage so profound arose from the depths of my being it actually frightened me, sending me hurling back up the stairs and under the covers for safety from the unwieldy sensation. Shit, this healer is powerful!! I thought. The amount of turbulent rage seemed insurmountable. It obviously had nothing to do with the flip flops moving and everything about what was buried, unexpressed deep inside me that needed healing. But even with that opening, it would be many years until I was able to embody anger as a healthy response to life circumstances.

Anger, Rage and Trauma

Anger can be especially hard for women to integrate, particularly if you grew up in an abusive home. One learns quickly to accomodate to the powers that be rather than confront or express oneself, especially anger. Expressing displeasure or talking back meant you may be putting yourself at risk for more physical, mental or emotional abuse, so one learns to be quiet and accommodating, stifling the energy of expression that needs to come out. That pattern can translate later in life as not being able to speak up and ask for that raise you deserve at work or doing things for others and then resenting that you "had to do it for them." Sometimes we recognize we should have gotten angry after a situation has occurred because the emotions falls below the level of our conscious awareness. " I just don't get angry, " I have heard people say, really meaning, I can't let myself feel that emotion because my emotional patterning won't let me.

Thinking About Anger in New Ways

In his Article "What Your Anger May Be Hiding" Leon F Seltzer PhD makes some important, eye opening points about anger that we may not have thought of:

• "Anger often enables, protects against, or is symptomatic of something else.

  
  

• Paradoxical as it may seem, anger can soothe an individual because it invalidates whatever (or whoever) led them to feel invalidated.

  
  

• Anger can help ensure one's sense of safety in close relationships by regulating distance."

Anger as Protection

In explaining how anger protects us from other emotions in his article Dr. Seltzer used the example of being cut off on the highway. The rage we feel is actually a protectionary response to the fear we feel from nearly dying. Anger produces norepinephrine, which is a neurotransmitter that sparks fight or flight mode in the body. It is produced in the adrenal glands and the brain, and it creates kind of a numbing effect on our emotions, allowing us to get through a stressful situation. This can make us feel powerful and in control in situations where we feel most vulnerable.

Anger Used for Invalidating Others

When another person or event invalidates us, say, your partner dismisses you by exclaiming, "You don't...." (fill in the blank here), we can use anger to turn the tables and invalidate them. If we don't have the connection to our core self, or we can't access our own feelings of self validation, anger can act as a sword of diminishing other people. The norepinephrine produced by our rage kicks in and actually soothes us in unsettling confrontation.

Anger and Attachment

Anger can also regulate distance in relationships when there is fear of "getting too close."

When our trauma responses keep us from becoming too vulnerable in relationship out of fear of getting hurt, anger can step in to provide a buffer. Picking a fight or getting in an argument keeps us involved with the person, but also keeps a measure of space in order to protect our tenderness.

Anger and Creativity

Anger is a volatile, active emotion. It, more than any other emotions likes to move. People who actively feel anger have a tendency to think more broadly and see the bigger picture. Because of this when we repress and don't allow rage its natural expression it takes a lot of our energetic resources to suppress it. This can zap not only our physical energy but our creative flare as well, which also needs that bigger picture, broad reach of ideas to function at its best level.

Learning How to Express Anger

Seltzer emphasizes that expressing anger begins with slowing down and getting curious about what’s underneath it. Instead of reacting impulsively, he recommends a two-step process: relaxation and reassessment. First, engage in body-quieting techniques—like deep breathing, grounding, or mindful movement—to reduce the physiological charge of anger. This helps interrupt the neurochemical loop of adrenaline and norepinephrine that can make anger feel empowering but reactive.

Next, reassess the situation by asking: What core hurt is this anger protecting? Is it fear of rejection, shame, or feeling powerless? Once you’ve identified the deeper emotion, you can express your anger not as blame or attack, but as a boundary or need. For example: “When that happened, I felt dismissed, and I need to feel heard.” This approach transforms anger from a weapon into a bridge—one that connects rather than divides.

Need assistance with expressing your rage and embodying it in a healthy way? Eileen is an alternative healer who has completed multiple vision quests enabling her to be a clear and effective conduit for your personal growth. She has worked with somatic breathwork practices for nearly a decade and is a certified Unified Mindfulness Coach Contact Eileen@relaxandexpand.com