What Keeps Us Safe, Keeps Us Stuck: Understanding Our Emotional Patterns

Anyone with young children has experienced the car seat ordeal. We dance on the razor's edge of patience as we try not to lose it. A fussing child wants out of their straps, or we may wrestle with a resistant toddler who refuses to get in.

I faced this firsthand while watching my two-year-old granddaughter. I wanted to help my daughter run some errands. My tactics worked for a while, but eventually, my granddaughter fell victim to the "I-want-out" monster of resistance and tears. With subzero temperatures outside, "out" was simply not an option.

The Connection Between Safety and Freedom

This situation made me reflect on the complex relationship between safety and freedom. The things that keep us safe can also limit our freedom. Emotional patterns often form early, around the ages of 4-6. During childhood, we learn which actions and behaviors please our caregivers and which do not. When our caregivers were happy, we felt safe and loved. However, when they were displeased, they might have distanced themselves or expressed negative reactions toward us. For those of us growing up in dysfunctional homes, these dynamics add layers of complexity to how we respond to relationships and life itself.

Reactions and Overcoupled Patterns

Our bodies are remarkably energy-efficient. Much of our behavior becomes automated through the subconscious mind. Over time, we develop deeply ingrained "muscle memory" of how to act and react based on past experiences. Our bodies sense something and we react through habituated patterns to protect ourselves. For instance, if we feel overwhelmed, our unconscious reactions kick in. Whether it's dealing with a looming laundry pile or an abusive ex, we respond the same way.

It's akin to not needing to relearn how to walk every morning when we get out of bed; we simply do it without thinking. These deeply ingrained patterns often lie below our conscious awareness.

Everyday Manifestations of Patterns

This automatic behavior manifests in various ways. For example, we might clean our dinner plates even if we were full halfway through. This behavior could stem from being told to do so in childhood. Major questions arise: What are your automatic behaviors? We often learned to ignore our body signals for the sake of gaining approval or protection from those who cared for us, or even abused us.

We remain strapped in our emotional "car seat" of safety without ever questioning it, simply because it’s how we always functioned based on early patterns. However, decades later, we might awaken to find our health in crisis due to overeating, bearing the consequences of high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart problems. Now, we desire to escape our emotional car seat, but the straps of these lifelong patterns prove to be hard to unravel.

Becoming Conscious of Our Patterns

It’s challenging, but not impossible! The journey of growth and healing begins with simple, conscious steps. First, we need to notice what we are doing. Next, we should observe our feelings and examine our responses. In today's click-and-swipe age, it can be even harder to settle within ourselves and nurture this vital relationship.

While my granddaughter will eventually outgrow her car seat and transition to a seatbelt, we can also outgrow the rigid, unconscious patterns that no longer serve us. These ingrained habits, shaped by early experiences, may have once provided comfort or protection. Yet, if left unexamined, they can stifle our growth.

With heightened awareness, we can gradually replace outdated patterns with those that honor and nurture our true selves. This leads us toward embracing a freer, more conscious way of living where we feel safe yet liberated.

Taking the First Steps

To begin dismantling the unconscious patterns, keep a journal. Write down situations where you feel triggered or uncomfortable. This exercise can help you identify recurring themes in your life. It allows you to acknowledge the emotions you experience, a crucial step toward understanding your reactions.

Engaging in mindfulness practices can be life-changing. By becoming aware of your thoughts and feelings, you can observe them without being overwhelmed. It can create space for healthier responses. Explore meditation or deep-breathing exercises to ground yourself in the present moment.

Lastly, consider seeking assistance if you need help unraveling these patterns. Alternative healers and mindfulness coaches can provide guidance tailored to your unique journey. They may have the tools and insights that can assist you in unlocking your personal growth.

Need assistance with your unconscious patterning? Eileen is an alternative healer and Unified Mindfulness mindfulness coach. She has completed 20 vision quests, enabling her to be a clear and effective conduit for your personal growth. Contact Eileen at eileen@relaxandexpand.com.